Fat

Walked up into church yesterday. Dressed like we were straight up outta the JC Penny catalog. Kids lookin fly. My hair was like that gospel song, “I shall not be moved.” Shaved almost half my legs. Spanks on from my throat to my thighs. Kids were still buzzed off 5am bunny baskets. Life was good. Then here comes this thing down the aisle, “Sister Heather! You got you a man yet?!”

Girl, bye.

“No, don’t need one. All these kids I’m raising by myself is plenty for me right now.”

Then it replied, “well do guys just not like you?” All the while glancing at my snack pack belly tryna bust through my spandex.

“……ummm like I said, I got my hands full” (of Hershey’s apparently).

Why do people wanna test your gangster at church? The one place you can’t say big 4 letter words freely because you’re tryna get right with the Lord.

I’ve had enough of this mess.

IS FAT REALLY THE WORST THING YOU CAN BE?? There are child molesters, thieves, liars, boring public speakers, people that leave their kids in garbage cans and hot ass cars to die, hot breath old men that wanna talk to your jawbone, bad tempered spouse beaters, and people in the mall that chase you with lotion and oil until you chase them back with a restraining order and I’m in the bad people group for being fat?! No child. Just no. I am more than my fat. That’s what you heard. My fat is a part of me. FAT is not a bad word. I am fat. I have fat. I have eyelashes and bright white legs and a keg under my T-shirt but that does not define who I am!

Fat is the one quality that can turn judgement on for anybody. EVEN FAT FOLKS JUDGE FAT FOLKS! Everything you go to eat is an automatic, “do you need that” said either out loud or mentally. Yes. The answer is yes. My body does still need nourishment. Yes my body still needs food and water and clothing and shelter and love and emotional fulfillment. Yes. All that. Yes some fat people exercise. Yes some fat people don’t. Either way, IT AINT YOUR BUSINESS BECAUSE IT AINT YOUR BODY! And just for the record, you church house troll, MEN DO LIKE ME. AND WOMEN. I may not scoop up an A-list celebrity with my 3XL MooMoo on but damn, would you? Fat or not, I feel good. I’m at a good place in my life and I fought like hell to get here. I have found the most wonderful balance of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds and ADHD medication and THE HOLY SPIRIT and I am currently too legit to quit. And I won’t until the good Lord tells me to.

Fat has consumed every day of my life since I was about 7 years old. I didn’t know I was fat until someone told me. Someone mean and rude and skinny with a miserable life. A family member that let me know I didn’t fit the mold her kids fell out of and since then it’s been diets and unwanted walks and expensive gym memberships and protein shakes and calorie counting and even surgery. If it’s on the market and there’s a free sample or free trial, I tried it. Some of it worked. Some of it pissed me off. When I say I’ll never touch another protein shake as long as I live I mean it. But after having surgery and learning a new way of eating and losing weight and keeping the biggest majority of it off…I learned that the same problems still lie underneath. I still had unresolved issues. So, I’ve spent time and focus and fixed most of what was under there. I’m happy. I’m healthy. I’m a good person who has learned that blaming others will only get you so far. Once you’ve hit 21, you can blame your mom, dad, 3rd grade teacher or whoever you want…balls in your court now. And I’m off subject again.

Fat. Can we quit being a society of people that ignore fat people unless it’s a rude remark or gesture? Can we just embrace the plus size section of Target and realize more grown women probably shop those 3 racks than those that don’t? It’s not a handicap. It’s not a blemish. It’s not a character flaw. It’s a body type. A body type that probably houses the most incredible and loving and understanding person you’ve ever met. A body type that can still raise kids and work for a living and teach Sunday School and eat at the buffet and thrive in a world still stuck on 1925 swimsuit models. Let’s take all that negativity tossed towards fat people and put it on Joe Schmo down the street with child porn on his laptop or your neighbor 4 doors down with a bad heroine problem. Go fix them. Leave the fat folks alone.

And another thing…WE DON’T NEED YOU TO TELL US WE’RE FAT. WE HAVE MIRRORS. AND EVERY DAY WHETHER IM WEARING LULAROE OR DOLLAR GENERAL, I MAKE A POINT TO STOP IN FRONT OF MINE AND SAY, “GIRL YOU STILL LOOKIN LIKE A BAG OF MONEY!!” or “DAMN GINA!” Because I deserve it. I earned it. I need it. The only compliment some people give me is when I announce I’ve lost 15lbs. Don’t be that person. Compliment your Mama and your coworker and Judgemental Judy who thinks you want her man. Compliment people. Make somebody feel good. I stopped 2 women outside of Target the other day and said, “OMG y’all are so cute!” Because their outfits were banging but their kids were screaming bloody murder and I know how that feels. I’ve been in that boat and I’ve received that compliment and it was just enough of a sprinkle from Heaven to get me and my screaming kids in the car and home and away from the psych ward.

I’ve spent too long swimming in the sea of negative and mean and jealousy and self consciousness and grief and doubt and anxiety and low self worth. I’m only accepting Good Vibes and nice words from now on. Minute Made said it best, “Put good in, get good out!” My body is fat. That is not all that I am. What I AM is a good mother. A single mother. A single mother with plenty of options as far as men go that would take up my time and hard earned money and ain’t nobody got time for that. I’m waiting for quality. I’m waiting for 2033 when my son will be 18 and my daughter will finally reach her real age that her mouth and attitude already reside at. They won’t rely on me for meals and baths and diapers and a ride to school and basic necessities. Now, I’m not bashing single mothers that date. That’s perfectly fine. But my cup of tea is right here with them and a calendar marked 2033 unless God says otherwise.

This blog will not be a burn book of people who have wronged me. This blog will not be a cornucopia of 10 calorie recipes or exercise routines. That’s not me. I want to spend my time and energy helping people find their truest self.

2 years ago a spiritual guide told me I would have a place to share my passion. She said, “don’t give up! If that place doesn’t exist yet, it will!” I waited. I totally forgot about it. I played around with the idea for the past 2 weeks. It’s time. It’s time to make my own way and create my own place. I blogged before…something some people wish I had never started and some wish I had never stopped. So I’m back. I’m going to ramble and state my opinions and make men and women feel beautiful and passionate and empowered and frickin fantastic. The last year has been a very spiritual journey for me and I’ve opened my eyes to many truths. One being, I am enough. I want to empower women and guide us, MYSELF INCLUDED, to a place of self confidence, self love, and self esteem. You know why? Confident people don’t shoot up schools. Confident people don’t commit suicide. Confident people don’t numb memories of their 30 year old childhood, adolescence and adult years with pills and vodka and sex. Confident people help, inspire, uplift. Better yet, confident WOMEN raise confident daughters and help women around them realize the power they hold inside of them. I tell my daughter all the time: “you have the power inside you to do or become anything.” And it’s true. For her. For me. For my mother and grandmother and aunt and generations to come. Women are powerful creatures. We do more than have babies and bake biscuits. We can vote and marry each other and join the army and build skyscrapers and fix cars and cook a kick ass meatloaf and tell if a 17 year old is really going to the library or to an abandoned corn field to get alcohol poisoning. Women are gentle and viscous. Beautiful and hideous. Kind and bitter. We need to be reminded it is possible to be a sweet, considerate, good-hearted person and still turn away from bullshit, lies, infidelity, and negativity. And if you didn’t know, now you know. So let’s try something new on: Confidence. Happiness. Success. Fearlessness. May we find it. May we become it. May we raise it.